And there I found myself at 1 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon. In a fit of rage and anger that only those who talk to computers can appreciate, I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs. “Representative! Representative! Representative! Representative! Representative!” By the 6th or 7th time I screamed representative the computerized phone system had already won the battle and I was waving the white flag. Was it too much to ask this Christmas holiday to just speak to a plain old human being? How is it that completely inanimate objects like hangars, double circled key chains, and computerized 800 numbers can get us so unnerved that it just brings out the worst in us?
You have to admit, that at least once in your life you have been where I was just a week ago. You felt helpless and deserted after your phone call to the cable company, the magazine subscription company, or perhaps it was for a recent order that you placed during the holiday season. It started innocently. The computer welcomes you with the cheap banter about how answering a few questions will get the call to the right place and speed up the overall experience for you. Hah! So you listen to the main menu and wait for the prompter that makes the most sense for your situation. Press 1 for new orders, Press 2 for existing orders, Press 3 if this is a billing issue, Press 4 for returns, Press 5 for website issues, Press 6 if you are beginning to be pissed off. It goes something like that until you realize that no prompters get you to where you want to go at all.
We are truly trained like little mice just trying to find our cheese in the maze. To amuse ourselves, we figure if we press any of these buttons we will actually get to talk to somebody who can help us. The computerized voice prompts us to enter our account number. We enter it only to get the response, “I’m sorry I didn’t understand that?” What do you mean you nasty little phone! I entered my account number, didn’t you get it? The computer doesn’t understand your sarcasm or your jokes which maybe is the point of the joke. So you enter your information again and again and again until you get to talk to somebody.
When they get on the phone, they initially ask you an important question, “Hello, with whom am I speaking with today?” I’m so angry at this point, I typically respond, “Oh, this is Mr. Ted Jenkin. The last name is spelled ZHF . . . that is the silent part and then Jenkin.” After a few minutes, they representative tells me that they can’t find me in the system. “I figured as much. That is because I was kidding about the ZHF, but if you can’t tell I’m a little ticked off. Why in the world would I go through the hassle of putting in all of that information for you if your computer system couldn’t help you bring up my account?” After trading a few barbs with Mr. I can’t read the manual on the other end of the line, I become more frustrated as he says that this department can’t help me and before I can spit out the words, please don’t transfer me I’m already listening to some elevator music that sends me in a tailspin because I’m back to square one.
Sometimes, we forget that time is money. If you haven’t done it already, take your annual wages from last year and divide it by 52 weeks. Then divide that number by 40 work hours and you’ll get a ball park of what you make on an hourly basis. Like you, I’m often so frustrated with bad service and computer voices I actually end up wasting more of money through spending my time trying to prove a point rather than just getting to the point of getting the task at hand done. At our company, we always want to make sure we return phone calls and e-mails quickly as we know this a pet peeve most people have with big companies today. They simply can’t get a reasonable human being on the line to have a conversation with to solve their problem. As you head in 2014, don’t exacerbate the problem by trying to win against the computer. It didn’t work when Kasparov played IBM and it won’t work when you take on Siri one on one. Your smart money move is just to keep pressing “0” until you get to someone who can answer your question and just stick to the task at hand.
Written by:
Ted Jenkin
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